not enough love to go around

I found this old post today! It's June 21, 2012 and I guess I better update it!
Ha! Wow!

I'd like to happily report that NONE of it applies any more.
Badger and Kodi are such good buddies that I'm worried what will happen to poor Badger when Kodi grows old and passes away. They play every day, share all their toys, beds, AND my affections. I love my Badger boy to bits and would never give him up.

Puppies are hard. Badger was harder than most because he was quite disinterested in forming a bond with me and he had some oddities that I might even go so far as to call abnormalities in his development. I can't say that now (well, except for the odd part) and though it took over a year for us to 'click' he's now my little shadow and I miss him when he's not around.

I know that I'm not the first person who has had these difficulties with a puppy. After I got through my experience and found the love for my boy and from him, I started to hear about other people, many of them trainers or people who have competed in high levels at dog sports or other things. I heard about people sitting outside ex-pens in tears as they look at the dog that they so desperately wanted to connect with, people being shut down by their breeders or fans of their breeders for daring to suggest that the dogs weren't all they were trumped up to be (my breeder was great, btw) and I know that a handful or them were re-homed, some just shy of a year, some at over two years. I also know that for some of these people they were able to hang on long enough to find that sudden and magical 'click' like I found with Badger the day he learned to stay. For some people it took only a couple months longer than they thought, for me and Badger it took over a year and half (though by six months I'd decided he was mine no matter what he decided he wanted to do) and for some it took years.

I have to say, the 'click' is amazing. I'm sure I had that moment with Kodi too, and I'm sure that everyone who's never experienced a dreadfully delayed 'click' has had them with all their other dogs. But those click happen so fast and so soon that they go unnoticed. I suspect my 'click' with Kodi occurred the moment I stepped out of the breeders house with him in my arms. Badger's was more special, more memorable, and I still get a happy little flutter in my stomach when I see him waiting in the window for me when I get home from work, so happy to see me. And I'm so happy I get to see him, every day. My life wouldn't be right without this dog and I'll never doubt another in the future, I'll just look forward to that 'click'.

I thought about deleting this post, because I come off so beat down and harsh. I was beat down, and I was harsh, and I'm keeping this here so that when the next new puppy comes along I can read back on this one, smile to myself and go "oh yeah, Badger was worse, and look how great he turned out"

Thanks to the worst puppy ever! Love you Badger boy!

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I find myself more and more often looking at my dogs and feeling bad. The problem arises simply from the appearance of the plural now when I refer to my pets. I look at Badger and I feel sorry for him and on the odd occasion I wonder if I made a mistake.
I don't think I will ever love this puppy the way I love Kodi, and that makes me feel terrible.

It isn't Badger's fault that he didn't come first, that he missed out on the last eight years of ups and downs during which Kodi had the opportunity to comfort and console. It's certainly not his fault that he pees on the floor, bites, chews things he shouldn't, whines, barks, makes me get up early. Yet, he's the one I get annoyed at, push away when he makes Kodi snarl, and he's the reason that my favourite times of the day work around his naps.

I wonder if it would help if Kodi liked him. If Kodi loved the puppy then maybe I would feel like I could love him too because he makes one of the most important things in my life happy. Instead, Badger does the opposite.

I will continue to remind myself that the days are still early, Kodi has already come a long way and maybe someday they'll be the best of friends. I remind myself that badger won't pee inside forever, the biting is because he is teething, as is the chewing, and someday he will learn like Kodi did, about sleeping in on Saturdays.

We made one step today. I was too inconvenienced to put the crate in the car so I decided to try badger without a crate. He lays on the back seat even more quietly than Kodi does. It's a glimmer of hope in the world of constant bathroom breaks and puppy bites.